The Subtle Art of Showing You Still Give A F*ck About A Person You Say You Don't

So, when I say you still give a f**k, I mean it in multiple ways. In relationships it could mean you aren’t truly over the person you were with. Or maybe you don’t want them back but deep down you’re still hurt behind what they did. I get it! You want revenge, a sincere apology, for them to get ran over and you end up with the insurance money, SOMETHING! You want justification for the time, the love and the sacrifices you gave them. But guess what? More than likely, your way will not work. 

Suffering is a part of the journey that makes you, YOU! It’s time to stop the shenanigans though. Social media drama is not a good look on anyone! Especially if you are grown grown. If you follow me on IG, I gave you three clear reasons why in my post about the same thing (read it here so my rant makes more sense). Here’s the quick breakdown:

• It’s completely unbecoming of you

• It gives your haters ammunition to drag your name

• You won’t reach your goal, which is moving on

“Feel the fear but never let it drive the wheel” Bishop TD Jakes. I’m going to drop a lot of gems from the Bishop, who just speaks so profoundly on any subject, but these are nuggets of goodness from one of his Super Soul Sunday podcasts with Oprah Winfrey. PLEASE LISTEN TO IT HERE!! It’s sooooo good!!

Before you make another post remember, warning always comes before destruction! Many times, I’ve seen these situations have more to them than what we are seeing on social media. There’s always some underlying root cause. Some details being left out that the person doing all the exposing “forgets” to mention that they did. 

You know like when your kids have you at the school going in on the principal for suspending them then the principal tells you your kid had been forging your signature on all the tests he was supposed to take home for you to sign as acknowledgement of his failing grades? Those type of details. 

And to be honest, shame on you as someone’s friend for not telling the whole truth so people can rightfully decide if they want to support your mission to completely slander someone’s name. Maybe what the person did to you is justified from actions that you didn’t speak on. And deep down you know your friends may think so too which is why you didn’t tell them what you did to escalate this situation.

Seriously, I know people who have dirt in a relationship that didn’t come to the light. Only us real friends know about it. But soon as your partner does something wrong, you go IIIINNNN trying to make them look bad! Why? Did you forget what you did? I mean, are you going to test God’s grace by putting your partners business in the streets like God won’t put yours out there too? Tuh! Try Him, He can show you better than He can tell you!

If you want to keep your dirty little secrets, I highly suggest you stop testing God’s gangsta. He remembers what you did. And you need to remember that He didn’t let you get exposed.

Now let’s address friends that gas these situations up in three little words; just stop it! I’m all for standing up for family and friends when someone does them wrong for sure. But I am not for coddling a person’s borderline narcissistic thoughts to bring down another human being. People make mistakes. That’s life! There was probably signs they shouldn’t have got together to begin with that you didn’t speak on so don’t drag the other person now! You need to be trying to help your friend heal and figure out how to move forward at this point.

I’ve never done social media drama, but I have made little slick posts. Scroll back a few years on my IG so you can see how far I’ve come. I’ve never been a spiteful person either. I’ve seen how it affects other people to be in drama on social media, what folk’s thought of them and how people that were supposed to be their friends talked about them behind their backs. It only takes ONE time for me to have or witness a bad experience to make sure that it never happens to me again. 

“In the face of pain, we must not forfeit our dignity” -Bishop TD Jakes

It’s hard but trusts God’s timing. I’m 38 now, but when I was 19 years old, I got married, had a child and gave my all to a relationship that left me feeling like sh*t. It was over by the time I was 23. I uprooted my whole life and completely changed who I was for this person and they moved right on like it didn’t mean a thing to them. THAT HURTS!! A LOT!!

I wanted so many bad things to happen to him and many times I wanted to be the one to do them. I cried, I had days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, not even my son was motivation to push through the pain. But guess what, as time went by, it got easier. 

 As much as I wanted to be uncooperative with him for what he did, I wasn’t. As much as I didn’t want my child around his new girlfriend, I let him go over. I didn’t open my mouth when she came to the gas station drop-offs even though I didn’t’ think she needed to be there. Because I knew deep down, it was the hurt talking. I aimed to be the BEST hurt baby mama I could be. Which I was.

Now this IS NOT easy to do. Sometimes it comes out. But you have to get to a point where it doesn’t. You have to pass that thing to whatever higher power you serve, mine is God, and trust Him to handle it. One thing I never wanted was for my son to see me say or do anything negative towards his father. He had the potential to be a really good dad and I know he loved his son.

Too many women use the poor babies as ammunition against the man that wronged them and I’m telling you now, you are hurting those kids more than you are hurting that man. One thing I always feared is that my son would remember me keeping him away from his father or me saying bad things about his dad and not forgive me for them when he got older. So, I let him form his own opinion about his dad. It was not my place to give him based on my experience. Unless your kids are in true danger, DO NOT keep them from their mother or father. Their bond is bigger than you. Don’t be selfish. 

“There is elegance even in agony that ultimately awards selfless sacrifice and I’ve learned that eventually truth and mercy will always dedicate those who have endured the hardships of life…we will emerge despite our own depravity” 

– Bishop TD Jakes

Now, did the tables turn fast after all the wrong he did to me, NO! God waited years but when I tell you it was so sweet! There’s no way it would’ve been as satisfying had I handled it myself. LET THE REDEEMED OF THE LORD SAY SO!!!! I got a call from the girlfriend one day because they had broken up. I mean she went out her way to get ahold of me. Why she thought to call me I don’t know but maybe she remembered how hurt I was the one time she saw me act out of character from when they first got together so she thought I was still vulnerable enough to prey on. She wanted me to help her get back at him for the wrong he did to her!

I’m sure you can imagine all the things I would’ve liked to have said in this moment. First word I’m sure that comes to mind is “B*TCH!” Followed by “who the f*ck you think….” “haven’t you heard how you get ‘em is how you lose ‘em.” But I didn’t respond that way. I kept it cute. I kept it real. And I kept it short! I simply told her I can’t assist her with trying to bring him down but if she needed help getting back on her feet, I could help her figure out how to do so. His life wasn’t going as great as he’d planned either.

Mind you, when he left me, I had NOTHING! I lived in a homeless shelter with my son and he DID NOT CARE! He was with her living life and I’m sure she didn’t think twice about him helping us. He didn’t even give me money to buy diapers. He wasn’t on child support and to be honest, I was so bent on not needing anything from him that I told my lawyer when we filed for divorce (which I paid for) I didn’t want child support! 

I’m just naturally resilient. I knew I was going to be ok without it! But in the state of Texas you have to take it. Or at least you did back in 2005, so I got it anyway. It definitely came in handy needless to say. And from the age of about three until my son aged out of the child support system, I never bothered trying to raise the amount he paid. I got a really good amount compared to most but still, I never wanted to argue about money even though I could’ve gotten more. Don’t be her. Get what you are owed but not at the expense of your sanity. Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war! God will make a way!  

“Purpose will always outwrestle pain…it justifies the pain. It always leaves a gift behind…wisdom, strength, tenacity, something. But pain creates it.” -Bishop TD Jakes

That quote was so good to my soul!! And now that I’m on the other side of it I truly understand how my pain made me who I am. Allow yours to do the same. 

Now, being the unofficially titled self help guru that I am, here are my tips to be a better you and they are based on as usual, my own experiences and what I’ve learned from resources I use to continuously outdo who I was yesterday. Here goes:

1.     HAVE A PLAN: When you don’t get what you want in return from your “person,” YOU NEED A BACK UP PLAN TO COPE WITH THE EMOTIONS YOU GET FROM THAT!!! Phone a friend, go for a walk, pray! Whatever works. This Therapy for Black Girls podcast calls it a coping kit. You make one before you need to cope obviously. That way, when those moments hit, you have something to help bring you through them. Learn more about it here.

2.     MISERY LOVES COMPANY: Trauma bonds are real! Make sure you are confiding in someone who can actually help you! Not friends who help you stay stuck because they are too. That’s just another unhealthy environment of now two people who need healing supporting the same pains. You need someone to help you feel it, accept it and get over it.

3.     YES, NEW FRIENDS (Drake voice): Connect with people who’ve been through it (whatever your “it” is) and who are actually thriving after it. Not a constant convo about how “he/she ain’t sh*t,” “he/she a deadbeat” “you see what such and such did now,” these friends just gas you up to eventually do stupid things. Know your friends and where they are in life too. They may need the same help as you! Love them but don’t confide in them until they are in a better place!

4.     GIMME A BREAK (sing it like the song to the show from the 80’s lol): Get a hobby! Nobody wants to go to your pity party every day!! It’s draining!! Especially when you don’t listen to the advice given to you. Those friends that tell you the hard truth that you avoid because you really want someone to wallow in your pain with you day in and day out, they might be the ones you push over the edge and really end up telling you about yourself. Now you walking around mad and think they owe you an apology when really all they did was give it to you very raw because you won’t listen. Give us a break from the drama sometimes please!

 5.     MASK OFF (Future voice): You have to give yourself an opportunity to be vulnerable so the other person can have that opportunity also. Stop all the back and forth and just talk like two adults so you can come a mutual understanding on how to move forward whether you stay together or not.

6.     OLD HABITS DIE HARD: This takes time! You will backslide on this journey but remember we serve a forgiving God and hopefully the people going through it with you are just as forgiving 🙏🏽

Do we have a right to be upset about things in life, abso-F**KING-lutely! But don’t hide behind that. You have a responsibility not to stay there and control how you respond to those things. As Jakes says, “it is the divinity that we bring through suffering that determines the outcome thereof.”

Now go be a better you!

~xoxo

Candace Blair